The Romance of Suffering
Within the wreckage of passion, we cling to past loves like Gatsby to the green light just across the water. Unattainable and tragic love has a certain allure, which seemingly draws more attention than healthy love. Romeo and Juliet, Brad and Angelina, Bella and Edward—all relationships that captivate the public imagination despite being tragic and toxic symbols of love. Our cultural obsession with love stories fueled by conflict begs the question: why do we glorify heartbreak?
Agony as Proof of Worth
According to Søren Kierkegaard, love is a leap of faith, where the risk of pain is inherent in genuine emotional attachment. The concept of infinite resonance suggests that true love is measured by its ability to leave lasting emotional impressions, even if it ends in heartbreak. In other words, if love does not cause pain, is it worth having? Heartbreak, then, becomes proof of the depth of emotional connection—a meaning-maker. So, do we glorify heartbreak because without it, we haven’t truly loved?
People often remember relationships through the lens of emotional highs and lows, forgetting the peaceful and mundane moments and clinging to the tragic and intense. You’ll remember the big fights but forget the small dinners you cooked nightly—not because they lacked importance, but because they were banal. Love stories in the media, especially those that end in heartbreak, are romanticized and given greater weight because of the emotional struggle associated with them. The tragic, gut-wrenching aspects of these relationships make the love feel real and powerful, enduring in collective memory.
The Role of Conflict in Defining Connection
While we consider heartbreak to be proof of love, it’s essential to address another key element: conflict. Love is seemingly inextricably linked to conflict. The media has taught us that drama is a key component of love—whether it’s the passionate fights that fuel the "will-they-won’t-they" tension or the intense emotional fallout of a breakup. The dramatics are what fuel the narrative, making the relationship feel intense, raw, and real. In a sense, conflict becomes synonymous with love—conflict implying struggle, and struggle implying depth.
However, the most meaningful connections are often the ones where there is a balance between emotional highs and everyday calm—a steady connection that finds its strength in mutual respect rather than confrontation. So why is it, then, that people sometimes choose partners who evoke dramatics, opting for connection and confrontation rather than solitude?
People Want to Feel Connected
While conflict may define many relationships, it’s not just the drama that we crave—it’s the deeper connection that comes from being truly seen and understood by another person. People want to feel connected. They want to feel considered and not isolated from greater society. The desire for connection is not just about proximity or physical presence. It's about emotional resonance. We want to feel like we matter, like our thoughts, emotions, and experiences are valued by others. Whether it’s through a conversation with a close friend, a shared experience with a partner, or simply feeling part of a larger social network, the need for recognition and inclusion is deeply ingrained in our psychology.
The Performative Nature of Love
But in our search for connection, there’s an increasingly pervasive belief that love must be displayed, measured, and performed. Children are often fed stories of love that can feel performative and extreme, such as those of Snow White or Sleeping Beauty. These exaggerated stories appeal to audiences and simultaneously reinforce the idea that love is a spectacle. In modern society, love frequently involves performative metrics to gauge interest, such as social media posts and public displays of affection, reinforcing societal ideas of what love should look like. But is love still authentic if it is performed?
Can love truly exist outside of the performative aspects of modern relationships, or does it need to be displayed to be validated? And why does love need to be validated at all?
Is Healthy Love Boring?
Love without drama can be seen as lacking luster and intensity. The media has shaped our collective belief that love must be chaotic to be meaningful, but I disagree. Love can be stirred every time a hand is placed on the small of your back. Excitement is found in the pancakes you make for your lover on a Sunday morning, and in knowing that when you open the door at home, they will be waiting for you there. We hinge so much on the unknown, on the rush of uncertainty, that we forget the patience and dedication found in the simple, everyday expressions of love.
Reflection
I still cherish the relationship where it felt like a calm series of rolling waves—where there was no need for fireworks or drama, but only secrets whispered on the nape of my neck and the thrum of a heartbeat beneath my ear. It was a resting place where I could fire my bannister boy and call off the wartime chants in favor of a ceasefire. Even if I outgrew that tie and those days, like a sweater from my youth, I still relish them—in those unassuming days where love did not take my breath away, but rather helped me breathe.
But I also remember the relationship where every molecule in my body felt like it was being fed through a paper shredder—where every breath felt like an explosion, every word an act of defiance against death because I felt so alive. Nights stretched longer, and hours in the sun narrowed, made so thin they could be flossed between your teeth. Alive, and very much so, but briefly.
The duality and complexities of love are not things to be neatly mapped out or decided upon. Instead, they are to be felt—alive in the way they surprise us, shape us, and sometimes break us. This, I have learned, is the truest way to approach it: not as a puzzle to solve, but as a journey to experience. After all, without risk, there is no reward—and what is riskier than placing your heart in the hands of another knowing that in the end, it is the act of loving itself that offers the most reward?
